he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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