Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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