Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
