sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
