My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
