Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I want to fling myself into the sun
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
