I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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