He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
