What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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