last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
