my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
