Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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