Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
