you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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