i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
