I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
