someone owes me an orgasm
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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