batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
