hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
