omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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