I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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