Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
