i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
