I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
