I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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