I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
