I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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