Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
