WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
