You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
