For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
