ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He better not be in your backpack
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
