Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
