i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
