It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
