Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
