I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
