Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
