there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
