I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
