you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
