sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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