What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
