how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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