i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
