Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
