if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My vagina just clenched in fear
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
