Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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