so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
