I wish I could teleport
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
