I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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