What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
