I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
